And I thought wisdom was a rock

I have struggled since the birth of our daughter.  Becoming a parent only revealed insecurities, fears and misconceptions that I thought I had overcome.  Things I believed were non-issues suddenly rose to the surface and I found myself floundering, struggling to keep my head above water, only to feel myself drowning.  Couple that with one health issue after another for the past 4-1/2 months and I have been a complete basket case.  This isn't something I am proud to admit.  I don't want to admit that it isn't all sunshine and roses.  I found myself condemned, wondering how I could be struggling this way when I have so much to be thankful for.

And then, one day last week, I heard my Father's voice. And His voice always delivers truth in love.  The truth is that God doesn't lie.  In James 1 when He says, "If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him" He really means it.  He waits, ready for me to ask.  As I develop a deeper relationship with Him, He will, out of that relationship, give me wisdom for living.  It's so easy, isn't it?  Just be.  Just be in relationship with the Father. I meditated on this for the next 24 hours, feeling myself get more and more free by the moment.  I had no idea what He had in store for me the next day.

It's an awesome thing when Holy Spirit shows up in your shower.  I'm standing there, hair full of soap, and I hear Him, whispering to my spirit.  What is it you're saying?  What are you trying to tell me?  I quiet myself, listen intently, for that precious voice.  Then, whoosh!  It hits like a rushing river, revelation so exciting I almost tremble.  He is speaking and I hear Him. I know it's Him.  Light floods my heart and some hidden lie I believe is exposed, setting me free one degree more than I had been only seconds prior.  He elaborates on the truth from the prior day. 

Not only will He give me wisdom for living, wisdom that flows from my relationship with Him, but now He explains what that wisdom is.  All these years, I had read Proverbs and James and the other verses that talk about wisdom with the idea that wisdom was a rock.  In my mind, wisdom was this object that God granted and I would carry it around in my pocket.  Once I knew what to do, I would just pull out that object and put it into practice. 

But, once again, God was shining truth.  Wisdom is not a rock, I heard Him say.  Wisdom has a personality.  What does Proverbs say?  Wisdom cries aloud in the streets.  She has a voice.  So, wisdom is not a rock that I carry in my pocket, but rather a person that walks with me, day by day. It's not that I receive this object of wisdom and then I know how to handle things on my own.  Out of my relationship with Papa, I receive wisdom that walks with me, moment by moment, showing me where to step, what to do.  He doesn't want to tell me what to do so I can handle life on my own, He wants to be intimately involved in every detail, every decision, every moment, no matter how messy.  He is not afraid to get His hands dirty in my life.  In fact, He died for the chance.

So, I may feel alone, but I am not alone.  I wasn't meant to walk this path alone, even though I have tried.  In my trying, I have fallen.  But there is One who walks beside me.  There is One who walks beside me.