Sunday, July 27


I've been quiet around here lately. I've also been quiet on Facebook. And in person. Usually that means that I have a lot of things going on internally and this time has been no different. I find that when I'm processing a lot internally, I have a  hard time putting into words what's stirring in my soul, particularly when it feels ugly. 

Fighting depression and anxiety has been one of the hardest battles I've faced (and it's made it nearly impossible for me to blog for many different reasons.) I told a friend on Friday that I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know if I'll ever be able to breathe again. But through this long process, I've had one verse on repeat in my heart, soul and mind over the last few months:

This morning as I sat in the auditorium waiting for the church service to begin, I looked again at this verse in context:

 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, 
firm and secure. 
It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 
where our forerunner, Jesus, 
has entered on our behalf. 


This hope is a strong and trustworthy 
anchor for our souls, a hope 
that enters into the inner place 
behind the curtain. 

This passage has become a lifeline for me. I repeat it to myself frequently throughout the day as I seek to rely fully on my Father.  What is this hope we have? That we can come freely to the Father because Jesus has made the way, has entered on our behalf. When I feel overwhelmed, I have been reminding myself that I don't face this alone, that I can go to my Father and seek comfort at His feet.

I was sitting there, thinking this when the worship service began. We sang a few songs that I don't remember now, and then we came to this one:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of All

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

The truth is that in this moment, I don't know why I am weathering this storm. I don't see the purpose or the redemptive value in it. But this I know, that my Father always redeems, always restores, always heals. It may not come in the package I think it should; it may not come in the timing I hoped it would. But He is Lord, the Lord of all. 
He's showing me anew how His heart burns with love for me in the midst of the darkest places and how He longs to invade every cavern of my heart. He's teaching me, moment by moment, what it means to hold onto Christ alone, my Cornerstone, to have no Plan B or righteousness of my own, what it means for my only anchor to be the one tethering me to Him and His enduring love, grace and mercy.

And so:
When He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless stand before the throne.
Peace to you, friends.

1 comment:

Mandy said...

Depression and anxiety are a battle, at least that I have found. Sometimes, it the midst of it, you can not see anything else, the numbness sets in, and it is easy to just let life go by. I am a Christian and I always felt that something must be terribly wrong with me because Christians are suppose to be filled with joy, no matter the situation. I tried to be so perfect on the outside, so that no one could see the pain on the inside, and finally I had to realize that I could not continue this lie. I tried meds, but my body is very sensitive to chemicals. I started CrossFit about 4 months ago and it has done wonders for me. I found a community of people that are constantly supportive and what me to be my best. I am energized by the workouts. Every time I improve on a movement or increase the weight of my lifts it is a celebration. I know that God sent me to this place, I am with other Christians and people that just simply want to be better. I will be praying for you!!!