Curiosities

It's a curious thing how life has changed since that cold day in February.  That morning brought Michael and I up at 5am, showering and packing the car for the trip to the hospital.  Our breath hung in the air as we walked through the parking lot toward our future, knowing yet not knowing what awaited us...knowing that I would be induced, but what type of labor and delivery would I have?    Knowing we'd become parents, but what kind?  Knowing the day would end with us holding a child, but what gender?  We stand today, knowing those details, but realizing how little we truly know.

It's a curious thing how certainties vanish in the wind without so much as a good-bye.  My mind works in absolutes, the stark contrast of black and white, yes and no.  A path is set, a plan formed and in my limited thinking, I believe that is how it will be no matter what.  And yet, so much is out of my control, beyond my reach. I am forced to dive in to the cool waters of faith.   Finger by finger I release my white knuckle grip and hand over control to Someone else, allow the waters to rise above me as I sink deeper still, dreaming of a balm to soothe my inadequacies and insecurities.

It's a curious thing to "give up" control.  It is such an illusive force, unable to be contained, dancing in and out of my hands.  While thinking I had the title-deed to it, owned it as a piece of real estate, it taunted me like a sixth-grade school boy, poking fun at my logic and silly dreams.  While I tried to be the master of my world, dictating each step and maneuver, I was the one being manipulated by false security.  I was the puppet to this one named fear, trying to maintain my grasp on something I never had to begin with.

It's a curious thing how so much rambling and wandering and wondering can set the heart at ease, bring solace to the mind, clear away the cobwebs from my thoughts and bring a measure of peace.